MNJ 1: My New Journey

Salam kawan-kawan sorry sebab lama tak update. Bukan busy sangat tapi occupied sikit. Anyways, aku dah decide nak cerita dekat korang pasal my new journey. Eh tak, bukan aku gi jalan-jalan la. Setelah aku fikirkan masak-masak, aku rasa baik aku share, sebab aku pon banyak dapat info dan semangat daripada baca pengalaman orang lain yang undergone fertility treatment ni. So Insyallah aku akan buat upload update every 2-3 days. Most of them are backdated entries from last few months yang aku dah tulis dalam word, cuma menunggu masa yang sesuai untuk update jek. 

Before that, aku mintak sangat-sangat that you all keep an open mind on the entries. Entry-entry yang berlabel My New Journey or MNJ is all about treatment ni. Kalau rasa boring ataupun tak relevant or if you are a guy who does not wanna read about err cerita-cerita orang pompuan, you can skip entry-entry yang ada label MNJ kat tajuknya tu. Satu lagi, entry-entry akan datang ni sangat personal. Aku alu-alukan sangat kalau orang nak tanya but please don’t ask soalan-soalan yang terlalu personal, such as what is my cause of infertility or apa result of this and that? Aaa itu memang a no-no. Tapi kalau nak tanya, experience aku, bolehla. Oklah let me give you some background. 

Background. 

I have been married since 2003 to my wonderful husband Ed. 01-02-03 cantik giler date kan. I have never been pregnant, ever before. No miscarry, no ectopic pregnancy no nothing. Memula tu cam planning kejap. Dalam 6 months gitu. Lepas tu dah tak plan dah. 

2006 after 3 years of marriage, aku ada jumpa doctor, and since I was still young, the doc ask me to just take chlomid. Was on chlomid for few cycles. Never got pregnant, never got to see the 2 lines on the Urine Pregnancy Test(UPT). Some of the doctors said that I have endometriosis, and some said that I have PCOS. Macamana diorang boleh diagnose gitu pon aku tatau sebab they never asked me to do any test. 

In 2008, we went to Klinik Umra in Shah Alam. We did some tests. And this was the first time we were informed by the doctor that the only way we can have a baby is by doing IVF! Don’t ask me why. That’s too personal. We were devastated. But the clinik gave us some meds and put me on Chlomid again, and no I did not get pregnant. 

2009 kami ke Klinik Dr.Hamid Arsyat pulak. When he saw us, he asked me to do HSG test to check wether there is blockage or not dekat my fallopian tube. Sakit nak mampos la buat HSG ni. Dah ler kena buat dua kali, sebab gambar 1^st tak jadik. HSG ni ialah a test untuk tengok ada blockage ke tak dekat Fallopian tube. Bila siap gambar we brought it to Dr Hamid, untuk explain it to us. Dia kata tak de blockage cuma sempit sikit, but should be ok. Kadang-kadang orang become pregnant after HSG sebab the procedure cam flush sikit the tube. 

Few months after that, we did IUI. Walaupun Dr kat Umra cakap, the only way is by IVF. We still wanna try. So we did IUI on 2009 with Dr.Hamid Arsyat. Masa hari nak buat tu, based on the condition Dr dah cakap chances macam rendah sikit but let’s try and doa-doa lah.  Boleh tahan sakit buat IUI ni tapi aku rasa HSG lagi sakit. Apsal orang cakap HSG tak sakit ek? Sakit nak mampos. Anyways, you know the result, I was still not pregnant. After that, aku dah tak buat treatment apa-apa lagi. Aku jadik malas, penat dan nak buat IVF kami memang tak mampu lagi masa tu. 

We did everything dah masa tu. Kalau suruh berurut, aku pergi. Apa jek supplement yang orang soh makan aku makan, lepas tu aku diet sebab maybe leh increase the chance kalau aku slim down. Aku turun sampai 6-7 kg. Still no sign. 

Emotionally, ada masa-masa aku rasa aku dah immune dah dgn soalan-soalan orang. But walau camana immune pon of course it still hurts. Cuma aku ni jenis malas nak dwell sangat. Furthermore, tahun 2010 dan 2011 aku busy sangat dengan kerja. Banyak travelling jugak. Memang tak sempat pon kalau nak buat treatment. Aku ingat lagi lepas buat HSG dan IUI esoknya terus aku gi kerja sebab entah, susah nak cuti dan kerja banyak. So aku pikir kalaula aku nak buat treatment akan datang aku nak buat betul-betul. Focus. Maybe amek leave from work. Bila aku sibuk sangat dengan kerja ada jugak yg cakap aku dengan Ed taknak anak sebab kitorang sibuk. Benci tau selamba jek cakap macam tu. Lempang karang. Ko tak tahu what we have gone through. Sedap-sedap jek cakap gitu. Hate this kind of comments. Ah malas nak ingat dah. 

Bila bebudak opis yang baru kawen terus pregnant, or dpt berita Ed’s cousins yang every year pregnant I am always happy for them. Tapi aku tak daya kadang-kadang, orang-orang lain cam pandang aku, cam kesian gila.  Cam diorang serba salah nak cerita sebab aku ada dekat situ takut aku kecik ati. Aku pon tatau nak cakap macamana. Aku sendiri pon kadang-kadang torn between Just-tell-me-I-am-totally-happy-for-them or please-don’t-tell-me-I-don’t-wanna-know.  

Ed ada cakap to me one day, baru je lagi rasanya. Dia kata tiga perkara yang boleh dibawa mati. Sedekah jariah, which kita boleh usahan. Ilmu yang bermanfaat, insyallah masih sempat kita sebarkan. Doa anak-anak yang soleh? Haa yang ni kita takde ni, com. Siapa nak doakan kita,com?  Sedih gila aku masa dia cakap tu. Betullah kan. Ed never force me to do anything. Kami tak pernah bergaduh pasal takde anak ni sebelum ni. Tak pernah. Kami sama-sama diam je masa tu layan perasaan.  

Laa ingat nak tulis background jek, tertulis sekali luahan perasaan hahahha. Ok so next entry is all backdated entry starting January tahun ni.